Ladies! The Wii is Your New Showerhead!

The Wii.  What can't it do?  Playing great games like Boom Blox.  Getting weather forecasts.  Checking out kitten videos on YouTube.  Streaming movies from Netflix.  Using the Wii Remote as a vibrator.  Wait!  What?  Yeah, that's right.  Thanks to the Mojowijo, you ladies will be able to turn your Remote into a remote self-pleasuring device.

Far be it from me to judge, but I'm hoping anyone who buys this has a remote that is their own.  Not that I would mind using it (I have no qualms with this sort of thing), but friends and other family members may not like bowling with a remote that has been utilized in getting the job done once hubby or the boyfriend has rolled over and gone to sleep. 

Motion2Vibration technology is what is used to make this sucker work remotely over things like Skype and whatnot.  The possibilities, as you can see, with this technology are endless.  When you get tired of flirting onWoW, you can grab the remote and have your Elf Lord or whatever take control from his mom's basement in Houston.  Couples can use it when they are away from each other.  Bets can be made with Tennis games or Tetris.  "Oh, you lost, honey.  Let's crank up the Mojowijo and the camcorder."  The mind reels.

I'm not going to be one of the early adopters for this technology.  It's not that I fear electrocution or some other adverse health risks.  I would just want to make sure all the bugs are out of it first lest the television remote next door somehow screws with the thing.  (Though that could be really interesting.)

Once again the Wii proves that black eyes, dead dogs, broken windows and televisions aren't the only thing it delivers.  Not it can bring you self-satisfaction of the most gratifying kind.  And you thought it was cool because it let old people fence.   

Tetris -- The Card Game?

Yes, it exists.  A card game based around Tetris, a video game more addictive than meth.  I watched a YouTube demo of this game and stopped it after a few seconds as the concept looked absolutely boring ... the exact opposite of the foundation game. 

It seems odd that a company, Fundex in this case, would take a game where the technology is so tied into it and turn it into something static.  It's not like you can't find Tetris to play on whatever gaming system/phone/iPad/handheld device you own.  It's everywhere, like the phrase "it is what it is" and Hollister shirts.  Hell, you can't avoid the game.  This all raises the question: Who wants to play this?

There are only three markets I can see for this game.  The first and most obvious is the hardcore Tetris addicts.  Fundex must assume they'll want to continue playing when the power goes out and all batteries are dead.  The next is the group who have never played the game (perhaps because they are terrified of the voodoo that must power any video game).  It is doubtful these players are going to say, "Well, I never wanted to play the video game, but a card game based on it seems like loads of fun!"  The third and final group is the Amish.  The Amish's sans technology life (except when you get sent into the real world around the age of 18 in order to flirt with Satan) means that game consoles don't readily find their way into the community built houses.  Basing a game on an Amish demographic seems like a bad idea.

I love Tetris, as noted by my many posts.  I will not be buying this game as I am not Amish or an idiot.  More power to the people who play it, however.  Maybe next you'll get the card game based on Dance Dance Revolution.

Pixelated Rawhide

First, you may have noticed the new masthead.  It is courtesy of Felix Vasquez, Jr., who does the Cinema Crazed site.  I thank him.  Gotta love Missile Command.  Speaking of other Atari 2600 classics ... Stampede.  1981.  Activision.  Oh yeah, it didn't get better than Activision in those days.

Stampede was an underrated game in its day.  In 1981 nobody wanted to play a game where you were a cowboy.  That was "old."  You had to be fighting aliens or something at least current, like communists.  Now, however, you can see the genius behind the game.

The premise is simple: lasso various cattle (the different colors were different points).  Your horse moved and so did the cattle.  You would direct your horse and rider up or down and try your best not to bypass any cows.  When you first start out you can bypass three cows before the game is over.  There are obstacles set in your way, too, like skulls and cows that don't move.  These things serve to slow you up.

As with all the most addictive games, simple is better.  The cows move at various speeds, but there is a pattern to it, so if you memorize the pattern, you can rack up some impressive points (and get those patches Activision gave out). 

I've been playing the game on my PSP with Activision Hits Remixed (and have been very tempted to turn off that '80s soundtrack).  As far as I can tell, it holds up well to the original, though I never owned the game and only played it at a friend's house. 

If this game were to be remade today it would be needlessly complicated.  I believe it could be easily translated to an iPhone, however, if it hasn't been so already.  Its very nature makes it a great game for passing time while waiting for the cable guy to show up or something.

Beats

I use my PSP for some music storage.  I used to listen to it a lot at work (where Nashville Pussy helped me get through the day without putting scissors in someone's stomach).  It was fine for listening to music, having a decent shuffle mode and some great visuals that went in time to the music.  Being able to export the songs to the soundtrack to my FIFA games was just icing on the cake.  And then I found out about Beats...

Beats is a rhythm based game, something familiar to anyone who has played any of the DDR or Guitar Hero games.  You simply push buttons in time with the music.  Beats comes pre-loaded with your standard sub-par songs, but it also reads whatever you have stored in your memory.  Thus, you can either play the game to some techno shit from twenty-year-old coke fiend, or you can play it to GG Allin's "I Kill Everything I Fuck."  With a series of different difficulty modes things can get pretty intense (trying playing it on "hard" to anything by Cannibal Corpse).

What I actually found this game to be best for is relaxing.  Even if the song is fast and the game play drives you nuts, it's still nice to sit there listening to music you like playing a game to it.  The rhythms kind of lull you into a peaceful state (another thing that keeps me from putting scissors into someone's stomach).

As of now, and probably forever, the game is only available for download through the PlayStation Network and from Amazon for about $5.00.  (I should have the link here if you are interested.)  At that price it is a steal.  Honestly, it's worth it at even twice the price (which is what I believe I originally paid for it).

Hell in a Dungeon

I purchased What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2 over the weekend for various reasons.  One of those reasons was the that while looking up the hardest games ever for the PSP, I saw that this was at the top of the rankings.  That sealed the deal, as they say in the condom business.  I was buying the game to prove something to myself.

Unfortunately, all I've proven is that what set me off on this quest may have a ring of truth to it.  I may be getting too old for this shit.

I should've known this game would not be easy when the tutorials themselves needed to be unlocked.  That is a bad, bad sign.  I could do the first few that were unlocked with little problem, but when I got to the unlocked challenges, that's when things quickly fell apart.

The basic concept of the game is that you create an ecosystem in a dungeon to kill adventurers who wander in.  Hey, I like killing things, and I like watching things mate, so this seemed like a slam dunk.  Unfortunately, I believe the game is developed by the Japanese (which means all kinds of high weirdness), and playing God in a dungeon is a lot harder than it is playing God with the Sims people or any of those Civilization games.  I have not been able to get 24 Lizardmen to populate the dungeon for the life of me.  It's not that I'm not trying or not using different strategies.  I just can't do it.  I'm up for the challenge, though.  I will use this addled brain of mine and come up with something that works.  Anything else is just not acceptable.

Of course, I could always go back to Break Quest.  That's cake compared to this one.

Halo

When I was considering an Xbox, I took a look at its premiere game, Halo.  I had heard mixed things about it.  There were people I knew who loved it, but could only say it was because it was "fun."  Then there were those who enjoyed it, but were quick to say it wasn't anything all that special. 

I played a demo of it to see for myself, understanding that the demo would not be the full game but that it should offer me some kind of incentive to get the game.

I found the graphics to be very nice to look at ... and that was about it.  It wasn't anything new, and while blasting shit was enjoyable, it didn't grab me the way it did in Red Faction.  I passed on Halo and passed on the Xbox. 

I understand why this franchise sells well.  It's the same reason Transformers is number one at the box office.  People don't have very high standards and are easily amused and just as easily distracted.  It enables anything that may hold one's attention for longer than ten minutes to be considered "classic." 

I also understand that there will be those who say that since I didn't play the complete game, a demo was no way to judge that.  Normally I'd agree, but the demo in question was made to entice people to purchase the game ... and it didn't work for me.  If a company's sales pitch fails, why would I give the finished product a chance?  If it had gotten me even slightly interested in the game, I would have pursued it to see if it lived up to my expectations, but the demo didn't even come close.  Xbox's flagship title did not draw me in, and therefore I avoided the entire system.  Fair or unfair, that's how it worked.  I still don't have an Xbox and probably never will own one.

But if I do, I won't be buying Halo.

Best Video Game Franchise Ever

When it comes to video games, I have a few things I look for them.  Replay value and enjoyment are two of the key things.  Graphics mean little to me.  Storylines don't mean much, either.  (Most of the storylines in games are awful, and when someone says something like Doom has a great story, I have to question his sanity.)

The Gran Turismo franchise has all this and more, and that is why I consider it the best video game franchise ever.  (Granted, I haven't played Gran Turismo 5, but I imagine it lives up to the series' high standards.)  Some of you will disagree, mainly fans of Mr. Mario, but hear me out.

Besides the incredible replay value, the GT franchise offers something few other games do: it teaches you and gives you the most thorough sense of accomplishment deemed possible in a video game.  Yes, that's right, it teaches you.  Mastering this game will give you a good knowledge of cars and actually make you a better driver.  Few games can make such a boast.

Yes, getting Gold in all the license tests is an exercise in determination and self-control, but if you get that, you deserve them.  While other video games determine if you win or lose by a point or lives, in the GT series you are dealing in thousandths of a second.  If you have to complete a test in 39 seconds, you will fail if you hit 39.001.  Frustrating?  You bet.  But if you stick with it, you will actually deserve that medal.

The series is not without flaws, though.  In the GT community, these flaws are well-known and often discussed.  The AI of your opponent cars is laughable at times.  Up until the fifth game there was no car damage, either.  The damage you can do nothing about, but if you race your car as if it were a real car and try to keep off your opponents you'll find that the game experience is almost makes up for that lack of AI.  It truly is a game that gives you more if you put more into it.

I know my take on this will be contested by people, and I'm fine with that.  Everyone has their favorites.  If all my games but these disappeared, I'd be okay (well, I'd miss a lot of them, including all my FIFA games).  If my GT games disappeared, however, I would be seriously upset.

If you want to argue against it, go right ahead.  I'm waiting ...

Why the Japanese Are Insane

If you've played Work Time Fun you come away from it with only one thought: the Japanese are fucking crazy.

If you've never played it, here's the quick and dirty on it: absurd mini-games where you earn money to buy trinkets, other mini-games, and tools for your PSP.  The mini-games include chopping wood (or bunnies), capping pens, counting people, getting ladies' phone numbers, performing seances, and cooking pottery.  It sounds like a recipe for disaster, but is strangely addictive, as I've written before.  The entire concept of the game is strange to say the least, and I'm slightly disturbed by my daughter's love of the mushroom hunter game, but spending anything more than ten minutes with the game gives you a clear sense that while the Japanese may be insane, they are also brilliant.

The game takes in all the socialization that our Japanese friends seem to love, while also taking advantage of the fact that the PSP works best in short doses.  The games are just strange enough and have such a strange amount of variety that you keep playing just to see what will happen next and collect more stuff (I want more duck training toilets).  This is a game that Americans could make, but would never make this good because we just don't get it.  For some odd reason, the Japanese have some deep understanding of the psyche involved in enjoying something like this -- an absurdist collector mentality, if you will.

I had heard of a sequel being produced, and I thought I saw one, but I believe it is only available in Japan, which means all the instructions will be in Japanese, a language I do not understand. 

If you have a PSP and this game seems remotely interesting, I recommend you download it or find a hard copy for yourself.  You can get it from the PlayStation Network for under ten bucks, so it is well worth it.  If, on the other hand, you didn't understand the appeal of any of this -- stay the hell away.  Playing the game won't change your obviously dysfunctional mind.

Killers

Killer Instinct always felt like it was trying to be a cooler Mortal Kombat.  Did it succeed?  No, not really, though I always found the characters more visibly pleasing, and the moves were easier to pull off.

Those who remember the game, and I know they are out there, remember the Harryhausen-like Spinal, Cinder, the nod-to-Universal Sabrewulf, Raptor and so on.  They looked fairly unique, they were fully animated, and there seemed to be one for every personality type.  The Super Nintendo version of the game, which came with a soundtrack CD, was a toned down version of the arcade game due to memory limitations, but that didn't seem to matter to thousands of players.  This was the shit.

A sequel came out, which only the die hards seem to remember, and while there has always been talk of returning to the franchise, it hasn't happened yet, and some wonder if it ever will.

If this game came out today, I doubt it would be as well-received (even with a graphic upgrade and whatnot).  In its time, however, when fighting games ruled the arcade, it felt different.  It was a fighting game that attracted those put off by the mathematic play of the other biggie (Mortal Kombat) again, and the seemingly undeserved popularity of Street Fighter.  Now it would be just another blip on the radar, as fighting games have to be something truly special to warrant anything other than a passing glance.

God of War The Hydra Battle Demo Disc Up on eBay

Rarely do I put games up for sale, but I'm selling this one. Click here to bid on it on eBay.

This is a must-have for GOW fans, as it has directory commentary and a making of video.  I wouldn't be selling it, but I need money for a computer, turntable and car repairs.  My misery is your gain.

The Attacks Continue ...

With the recent elections ancient history (of two days ago), there is one thing that should alert the die-hard gamers amongst you. 

Nothing has changed.

Video games are still threatened much in the same way comic books and music have been in the past.  Democrats and Republicans alike are not your friends on this subject.  The games are something they don't understand, and since they think that only kids play them and kids don't vote that makes the gaming industry an easy target.

The only thing on our side is that the politicos have so much on their plate right now that going after video games makes it seem like they aren't dealing with important issues like the economy, war and all those wonderful things that come with them.  That's our safety net right now.  2012 may be different.

Voting for or against a candidate based solely on whether or not he or she wants to ban "violent" video games is a bad idea.  Using it as a barometer on how the candidate feels about freedoms and the sacred free market is perfectly acceptable, however, as those who want to ban one thing usually want to ban multiple things.

Keep your eyes on the candidates, and don't let them dictate your entertainment choices ... or any other choices for that matter.

Kill Me Now!

This posting's title is just one of the many phrases heard in the Postal video game.  Like Doom and the Grand Theft Auto franchise, Postal came ready-made with controversy. 

The game was pretty simple: Kill people.  Shoot them.  Blow them up.  Use a flame thrower.  Whatever you had at your disposal.  Kill enough and exit the level.  Start again.

I played my copy (which I still have) on the Mac.  Getting to the final level, which was a school, if I recall, gave me a feeling of revulsion.  Things, however, weren't as they appeared, which helped me feel better about the game.  It was the first time I can ever remember thinking that maybe a game had gone too far.  (If you've played it, you know what I mean.)

I didn't play this game for the challenge or some great storyline.  I played it as tension relief.  Bad day at work?  Shoot a few civilians in the safety of a game.  It beat doing it for real, and that's what I think a lot of people missed.

Games like this are a great way to get the stress out in a way that isn't harmful to anyone.  Little kids play war, and then they grow up and do this.  It has nothing to do with real violence, and little to do with anti-social feelings, either.  It is, first and foremost, a game.

The clerk who sold it to me (I was over 18) was hesitant.  He said something about not being sure he should even be selling it.  I didn't need his social commentary, but politely reminded him that it was just a game.  He did not, it should be noted, refuse to take my cash.

Every time a politician or parent group gets up in arms about a video game, I think back to this one.  I think of how some people will never understand it, and maybe they aren't meant to.  Games like this should raise questions and cause debate, but they shouldn't be banned.  The real problem, something that is never discussed in these debates, is not that the games are violent, but that we live in a society that is so stressful that these games exist as stress relief.  That is something that is never looked at in the arguments, but is essential nonetheless.  Perhaps if we lived in a saner world, there would be no need for these games.  Until that day comes, though, I'll happily blow things up in pixel and polygon form instead of steel and concrete.

Yet Another Addiction

Lumines.  Yes, another addiction on the PSP.  I have always wanted this game, but finally found it at an acceptable price.

Jesus.  This is more addictive than Tetris.  At first it seems easier, too, and it is, but once things get out of control they get out of control fast. 

Now I want to pick this up for the PS2, as well, and it makes me wonder if the Wii has a variation on it.

As most people already know, this is a puzzle game where you have to make a square of the same four colors.  Music, which is not my style, plays in the background and interacts with the puzzle (you have to play to understand).  You can seriously sit and play this for like a half an hour before it starts to go crazy, but by that point you are so hooked you can't help but continue.  In the past three weeks since I've bought this I've played it about a hundred times.  I'm convinced it will keep me from getting Alzheimer's or something.  I am also getting all the sequels ASAP.

I had been cutting back on video games for a while, instead using the time to work on my manuscript.  After trying this out, though, it became a great way to clear my mind between writing sessions.  It is not ideal before bed, as is often the case with any video game.

And now, time for yet another session ... until a new one comes along.

Wii

I finally broke down and bought my daughter a Wii, which I will, of course, also use.  I must admit I was hesitant to purchase it, as the name threw me off, and I couldn't see how the control use could be fun.

I was wrong on the latter, though the former still bugs me.  Not only do the Wii remotes work well, they are also fairly intuitive, though the only two games I have used them on so far are Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort, both of which my daughter kicks my ass on regularly.

Using the remote to make Miis (something my daughter is very into) or surfing through Wii channels or the web, also gets no complaints from me, though I wish typing were easier.  (You can buy a keyboard for that.)  I'll soon be streaming Netflix films through it, too, which from everything I've heard also goes smoothly.

We've logged in a lot of hours already, and I suspect plenty more are to come.  In all, it was an expensive investment, and I'm not sure the available Wii games are up to par (though I am curious as to what can be downloaded), but the sheer entertainment of what little we have played so far makes it money well spent.

Robot Tank, Mofos!

I have been playing Robot Tank like mad on my PSP.  Originally released on the Atari 2600, this Activision game actually kind of kicks ass.

Activision was my favorite video game company back in the day.  I don't remember if I had this game back in the 1980s, but I'm glad I have it now courtesy of Activision Hits Remixed.  As far as those old video games go, this one is kind of advanced.

First, you have to ignore that your journey to Santa Clara, California takes you through rain, fog and snow all in the course of a few days.  It just isn't likely, but it does show that Activision was dedicated to throwing in different environments in which to destroy tanks.  Fog cut visibility.  Rain and snow affected your movement.

Another interesting and rare feature was damage.  In early video games, a hit destroyed you.  That can happen here, too, but an indirect hit can affect your visuals (screen goes black at random), your cannon (it only works sometimes), radar (essential in the dark and in fog and if your visuals go out), or treads (which lets you move only at a snail's pace).  It leads to some fairly intense action ... for an old video game.

I could see this game being remade today with updated graphics and the like, but quite honestly, this one still presents a challenge as you traverse the elements and go from day to night.  For an Atari 2600 game it is fairly advanced.  By today's standards it is something to do while waiting in line somewhere.  That said, I'm having a hard time putting down, as I'm trying to reach the goal of 60 tanks destroyed.  I've made it to 58.  I will hit 60 and probably unlock a patch or something (Activision used to award them as prizes).  Then I'll move onto the other games in the package and probably go through some nostalgia.  I doubt many will hold up as well as this one, though.

Top Gear in Gran Turismo 5

11/2/10.  That is the set release date of Gran Turismo 5.

We all know how that goes.

I love the franchise and may buy a PS3 for this one, but should, in all honesty, get the Wii first.  That said, there is one thing that really has me chomping at the bit, so to speak.

The Top Gear test track is in this one.  That's right.  The best show on television, which has often referenced and used Gran Turismo, is now getting its turn in the game. 

I'm donning a white firesuit and describing myself as a man who is afraid of ducks (Stig reference for all you ignorant types).  This is, of course, grand news.

I have my doubts about the release date, because we've heard this before.  I know Polyphony seems pretty firm with this date, but I'll believe it when I see it. 

3D.  Chicago.  950 cars.  This is ... a wet dream.

But is it Art?

Roger Ebert, a film critic I happen to respect (he's also a huge inspiration when it comes to my own film journalism pieces), posted a piece on his blog a while back about video games not being art.  You can read it here.

I obviously love video games, and if you read my other blogs, you know I am a big supporter of art over entertainment.  Ebert's piece, which has raised all kinds of hackles in the video game world, was well-written and it proved his point.  He even went so far as to question why video games should even concern themselves with the art issue.

So, how do I feel about it? 

I agree with him.

Video games can be artistic, but none of them have risen to the level of fine art yet.  Not a single one I can think of.  The problem is they can be artistic, and can even be played artistically, but at the end of the day -- they are games through and through.  Games have scoring systems, rules, certain criteria that must be met to win or complete them.  That's not art. 

Ebert asked why games had to be considered art, and I have to agree with that, too.  Why can't they be satisfied being great games?  Why is there no pride in that?  Look at what happens to artistic mediums when they aspire to be something else.  For example, comic books.

Comic books have been doing things like "director's commentary" and printing in widescreen format, both of which seem ridiculous in a comic book format.  They aren't satisfied with being comic books (and they are artistic).  They want to be movies because that is where the respect is at.  Even when there is a movie being made of a comic book, the comic book will do a movie adaptation! 

Video games aspire to lofty plateaus.  They want to be art.  In doing so, they have forgotten what appeals to gamers -- a good game.  I love video games, but I don't care that they aren't art.  They can still be things of wonder and beauty, but no video game has ever inspired me to create (my art of choice is writing, if you don't know).  And if they have inspired people, I believe it is probably only inspiration to create more games.  Sort of like a chocolate chip cookie may inspire you to bake.

Ebert is right.  As of now, video games aren't art.  They may never be, either, unless we change our definitions of games.

Let me know I'm wrong.  In fact, I'd like to be proven wrong.  Game Informer did a fairly large piece on this issue, and I am far from convinced. 

Ebert is right.  He not only knows film, but he knows art.  And while he may not play video games -- I do, and I agree with him.

Jack Black Loves Pitfall Harry

If you had an Atari 2600, you had Pitfall.  It sold something like 4 million copies and was one of the best selling games on the system.  A young Jack Black did one of the commercials for the game.



I'm not a huge Black fan.  I mean, he's not the worst actor around, but he's not a box office draw for me.  This commercial may be the most low-key thing he's ever done.  It also doesn't do the game justice.

Granted, this game drove me nuts when it came out (and so does the version in Marvel Ultimate Alliance).  Those alligators you have to jump across always got me as I got nervous and died right before the last one.  That didn't stop me from putting days into this game.  I even attempted to take a picture of my score so I could get the jacket patch.  (The photo turned out to look like some weird Polaroid porn.) 

One of the reasons I bought Activision Hits Remixed was because I thought I could lure Black to my own personal dungeon.  Well, not really.  It was Pitfall, which, ironically, I have to play on that game.  I'm sure it's not as good as I remember it, but for months I couldn't be budged from the original. 

Younger readers may not understand its allure, but let me tell you.  Back in 1982 this was the shit.  Swinging over weird self-closing pits, cobras, gold bars, rolling logs -- no other video game had that.  Say what you want, but this was a lot like the first time you played Grand Theft Auto III ... only with worst graphics and no hooker killing.

Leatherface and the Atari 2600

Some days (like today), I just feel like doing damage.  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the original -- not that prettied up remake that passed itself off as disturbing, has always been a favorite of mine.  That spirit of wanton nihilism that is present in every frame makes me smile and really encapsulates what's in my mind.  Had I been able to get the Atari 2600 game when it first came out I would have never stopped playing it.  Now I don't have a 2600, and I really have the hankering to give it a go despite the fact that I know it would be horrible.  (I somehow doubt it is on my Atari Classics Evolved.  It's not like I can unlock any of those games anyway.)

If the game were made today, it would suck.  The developers would screw it up so badly that it would leave fans of the game cursing in disappointment.  A 2600 game would be pointless fun.  A PS3 game would have a story. 

Let's face it, the movie is meant to be experienced, not played.

There are days, however, where grabbing a chainsaw and ripping through idiots is the most appealing aspect of the next 24 hours.  Some people drink.  Some snort cocaine.  I write.  But I also address the the more violent side of myself and don't shy away from it.  As one friend once said, "It looks like you're having another 'Don't Fuck With Me' day."  Oh yeah.

I'm sure this game would be lacking everything that should make for a great game, but most of the 2600 games were like that.  Very simple, but sometimes very addictive.  This would possibly be an addiction despite its crudeness.  I could actually see that adding to the experience. 

Yeah, I never got to play it.  But boy, I want to.

A Bunch of Donkeys

I have not tried Farmville yet on Facebook, and most likely never will.  I have, however, started playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker on there, and while I've come out ahead on every game I've played but the first one (where I was just testing the software), I must say it is some of the worst poker I've ever seen.

When online poker for real money was legal, I played ... a lot.  A lot.  I won money, tournaments.  It was good.  Hell,  I had so many people ask me how to get started that I wrote a book on it. (You can find it toward the top of this blog.)  When the game became quasi-legal, though, sites started shutting out American players.  I stayed away from the online poker then, but after some people sent me chips on Facebook I decided to return to the Green Hell and partake.

Fuck.

I have never seen so many people just play shit hands to see what will happen.  All-in with a 3, 8 off-suit?  Why not?  This happens all the time.  If you've played it on Facebook, you know it's true.  I understand it's play money, but players should be taking the opportunity to hone their skills at the real thing.  I guarantee that if those players would play like that with real money, they would not be enjoying game very long. 

When I run into these players at a table (and it's every table), I play them the way they are supposed to be played.  I wait.  I have the patience of a yogi master.  I wait until I have the right cards and then I wipe them out.  They come right back, and I do it again.  They get confident because I give them small pots, but they don't learn when I take all their money.  And that's the problem with these players: They don't learn.

I'm almost embarrassed for them.  It is actually quite ridiculous.  To face them in real life would be a pleasure, but I would take no honor in it.  I would take their money, because that is the rules of the game we are engaged in, but there would be no honor in defeating an opponent who is so unskilled as to think that is an effective strategy.  To be quite frank, I'd rather face a skilled opponent and lose my money than to face these morons and take all their chips. 

So, if you are interested in playing me, I play under Doug Brunell on Facebook.  I'm not there all the time, but I am there a few times a week.  I'm playing at the lower end tables usually, though I will be playing tournaments soon.  Hope to see you there, but don't be an idiot or you'll soon find yourself refreshing your chips.  

Little Big Disaster

My daughter loves Little Big Planet for her PSP, and I will admit that I have grown quite fond of the game.  What I've become even more enamored with, however, is it's level design editor.  It is one of the most encompassing and complete one's I've ever encountered in a game, and I decided to use it to create a few levels for my little girl.

Every night she's with me (not nearly often enough), I tell her a bedtime story.  I've been doing this for years, and they all revolve around this central theme of her being a princess.  Mentally, I have her kingdom laid out, her castle laid out and a cast of characters that populate her world.  I decided this would be the best thing to do a few levels on.  Unfortunately, my idea is bigger than my talent.

I was populating the first level with traps and score bubbles when something devastating happened.  Everything fell apart.  I came into the game and gravity had taken control of everything I had not fastened correctly, leaving a mess that looked like Chile after the most recent earthquake.  This was not cool.

On the plus side, though, it showed me what I needed to do to prevent this from happening again.  Months of work were done the proverbial tubes, and if I didn't want to have this become a habit, I had to figure out exactly what I needed to do to prevent such a tragedy.

I think I got it now, though I am slightly hesitant to test it out on play mode just yet.  I have one or two more tweaks, and then I'll be ready.

Creating a video game from bits and pieces has given me all kinds of new respect for game designers.  Granted, this is nowhere near as complicated, but it's difficult enough.  Plus, I only get to design one level at a time.  The makes of something like Grand Theft Auto: Vice City are doing things are a far larger scale with a lot more going on.  Frankly, I don't understand why more game designers don't kill themselves.

Eventually this first level will be done.  I won't post it to share (nor will I post any of the levels based on her bedtime stories) because it is for her and her alone.  The only accolades or complaints I'm seeking shall come from her.  I will succeed only if she enjoys, and fail if she doesn't.  That's the only criteria I care about, and it's the only one I should care about.

The next level, though, is going to blow her mind ... guaranteed.  I'm ready.  I know what I'm doing, and I mapped the whole thing out on paper (something I should have done here).

But if that one falls apart ...  

You Just Got Some Hay Bales!

Farmville is one of those things I just don't get, like binge drinking and the Irish.  I have friends who play it (obsess over it is more like it), but I've never tried it and have no real desire to do so.  It's not because I think it looks ridiculous (I do), but because I'm afraid it may become one of those new addictions that I run into from time to time.  Soon, instead of writing and trying to get crap done around the house, I'll be planting pumpkins and trying to get acquire donkeys.

About the most gaming I'm doing these days is Lego Batman with my daughter and designing a Little Big Planet for her.  I can't see spending an hour or so a day sowing rows of corn and loading wagons (or whatever the hell it is you do).  It has been said, though, despite my dislike of it, social gaming is to be something gaming companies are going to be paying far more attention to, though the way to make money off it is still a bit cloudy.

Maybe someday I'll engage in some wars with Mafia or vampire types.  Until then, though, I'm staying off the fucking farm.  

The Minis Have Arrived?

Considered a miss, the PSP Go may not have set sales on fire, but it did show the world that Sony is giving serious consideration to the path cell phones are on.  Minis, the games you can download on the PlayStation Network, are Sony's answer to iPhone (and the like) apps.  This plan seems to be working.

The PSP,  which is what I play Minis on, is obviously a handheld system.  When dealing with a handheld system, I tend to think the games should be shorter in length as opposed to the epic games you play on the PS3.  I don't mind the longer games, but sometimes you just want to dive into something that's going to last about 15 minutes.  That's where the Minis come in (though they haven't taken off like gangbusters just yet).  There are all kinds of titles to fit just about every taste, and they are meant to be played in short bursts.  They appeal to the app mindset, as well, but I don't think they'll cause anyone who plays games on their phone to consider a PSP simply for the Minis.

If you want a PSP, you either already have one or are saving up for one.  I can't see some iPhone user who has downloaded a Tetris-clone thinking, "This is great!  I bet the Minis on the PSP are even better.  I've got to get one."  It's just not going to happen.

For PSP users, however, these games are like a godsend, and if they sell well I can only see them getting better.  They are affordable, enjoyable, and don't eat up a lot of your time.  As they become greater in number, though, there will be more crap to wade through, so the reviews and word-of-mouth will become even more important.  (Big fan of Tetris here.  Nobody likes blowing $60 on a bad game, but at least you can always say you got a few hours of play out of it.  $5.00 for a crappy game that is short in length almost seems worse.

Sony, which has had a series of missteps that seemed to start with the pricing of the PS3 and most recently occurred with the aforementioned PSP Go, has it right this time. 

Final Fantasy Freaks

I want to make two things perfectly clear: I'm not a prude, and I know there are all kinds of weird kinks out there.  There is porn dedicated to women having their feet glued to the floor, to men who like to screw horses and so on.  What I never guessed was porn created around the world of Final Fantasy.

I've never played any of the Final Fantasy games.  I never played them because I didn't like the name.  I know it sounds weird, but if it's the final fantasy there shouldn't be more than one of them.  I know the story behind the name and all that, but it still won't get me to buy them.  Yes, I'm picky, but I bet you do some pretty stupid shit, too, like look at Final Fantasy porn.

So how the hell did I come across this (no pun intended)? 

I was going to do a post on the world of Final Fantasy games and wanted some art to go with it, so I did a Google search for "naked Final Fantasy."  That, of course, led to the wonderful world of Final Fantasy facials, fellatio and female submission. 

One site is Final Fantasy Hentai.  From here you can find porn dedicated to Tomb Raider, too.  What the hell?  Is there such a lack of porn on the Internet that masturbating to images of Lara Croft is the only thing that will get people off now?  Do people have so much trouble relating to real females that polygons are easier to deal with and more exciting?

I always looked at the Final Fantasy universe as something inhabited by people with spikey hair fantasies and the mindset that bigger is always better.  Now I realize it is also populated with socially awkward bedroom masturbaters with little to no communication skills.

We live in a world where Senators (who are also sexually deviant in their own boring way) take the Grand Theft Auto franchise to task for its use of sex and violence, yet make no mention of "A Real Yuna, and a Real Cum Shot."  Perhaps they, like pimple-faced 13-year-old boys and sexually experimenting twentysomething females, are enjoying the world of Final Fantasy filth a little too much.

More power to you, freaks!  I'll stick with crush videos and secret footage of drunk girlfriends urinating.

That Sick, Sweet Addiction Returns

It started off innocent enough.  My daughter challenged me to a game of Space Invaders Extreme.  I am not one to let a challenge go unmet, so I agreed. 

And I was hooked again.

Previously it had been months since I touched the PSP game.  Not that I didn't like it.  I do ... a lot.  I just thought I'd give it a rest for a spell and focus on a few other games.  This one, however, is like crack.  You can tell yourself you'll play a few games, and then three weeks later you are still going at it.

If you've read my previous posts on the subject, you know I was never a huge fan of the original game, though I had it for my Atari 2600.  This version of the game, however, is so insanely addictive that three minutes of it sends me on a bender of massive proportions.

I think every gamer has one of those games.  A game they just strive to better themselves at no matter how often it's beat them or they've beat it.  I have a few of those, but this one ranks at the top.

I suppose soon I'll put it away again, vowing not to go back to it for a few months.  Telling myself I want to play something else.

And then my daughter will throw down the gauntlet and it'll start all over again.           

Mortal Kombat Vomit Attack

The man on the left is Bo' Rai Cho from Mortal Kombat: Deception.  If you have any interest in video games, you've heard of the Mortal Kombat franchise, which includes outrageous attacks and fatalities.  The man on the left has one of the strangest attacks in the series.





Puke Puddle.

That's right.

Punk Puddle.

Attack with Bo' Rai Cho and one of the things you can make this drunken warrior do is spew vomit onto the ground so that his opponent slips and slides in it, giving you an extra few seconds to attack.

Effective?  Yeah.  Civilized?  Only if you live in a frat.

I'm not a huge fan of the franchise, but I play the games sometimes to relieve stress, and while my daughter enjoys the Soul Caliber franchise more, she's been known to kick my ass at this game, too.  I've never shown her the Puke Puddle, though.  I may have to now.

If there is a stranger attack in the Mortal Kombat games, I am unaware of it.  I don't find pulling out spines or beheading people to be all that strange, but puking on the floor for your opponent to mess their boots up in?  Yeah, that kinda takes the cake.  It's over the top even for this series.

What's next?  Penis bludgeoning?  Breast smothering?  Scabs into eyes?  Maybe those exist, too, and I just haven't found them yet.

It would not surprise me ...  

Conquered, Yet Defeated

I did it. Finally. I finished the first Skatefest round on The Simpsons Skateboarding yesterday. It was, to say the least, a frustrating exercise in nonsense.

If you read my previous post on this game, you know how I feel about it and the thing it calls a "control scheme." Wonky, at best. Torturous is an even better description. It is one of those games you never expect to be good, but are surprised by how flawed it is.

But I finished that first round. Wound up getting the last Constitution and then finally achieving the goal of a new skateboard. And then I couldn't help but think I have to do that for a bunch of other areas.

And then I promptly took the game out of the PS2 and buried it deep in a stack of other games so it would not taunt me.

I will play it again ... someday. I will finish it, and then I will most likely sell it. This game will not break me, but if the other levels are just as hard I may end up breaking it.

Demon Attack!

Back in the days of the Atari 2600, any game was a good game. If the game had an exiciting box, all the better. As a kid interested in sci-fi, fantasy and video games, you can only imagine how thrilled I was to see Demon Attack at the mall. Just look at the box. . I mean, fuck! Crazy looking robotic dinosaur-like things with rockets flying through space! How could that be bad?

As with all Atari 2600 games, however, the box was more like the concept you were supposed to imagine while playing.



The game itself, from what I remember wasn't horrible. Bird-like creatures swooped down and you shot at them. It's a concept that worked for countless games like Space Invaders, Centipede and Galaga. Simple idea. Fun game because of it.

Imagic, which put out the game, often made games that used the full color palette of the 2600. The game would seem quaint now, but at the time stuff like this was hotcakes. It attracted you to it, and it kept you playing. It sure beat the minimalist Pac-Man approach to gaming.

Despite the fun factor, I do remember feeling slightly ripped off, as I usually did whenever I bought a 2600 game. These things from the sky did not resemble the awesomeness that was on the cartridge box. Instead, they looked like the things from other games with different titles. Still, with a name like Demon Attack, you kind of can't go wrong.