Friday, March 25, 2011

The Saddest Gamer Ever

I recently read the saddest letter ever in Game Informer, a magazine I used to subscribe to until my sub got all screwed up and I somehow got on its "do not mail list." 

In the letter, some lonely guy (age unknown, but I hope he was under 18) lamented the fact that there weren't more "naked girls" in video games.  I like naked women just as much as the next heterosexual guy.  Any shape and size.  Women are works of art, and while I think a clothed woman can be far more erotic than a naked woman, I will agree that a nude woman is never a bad thing.  Even if she's stabbing you, it's a naked woman stabbing you.  How bad can it be?

The fact that this guy/kid/man/boy wanted more naked girls in video games just seemed very sad to me.  Why would that be anyone's desire?  When it comes to video games, I just want ones that provide a challenge and are fun.  I don't need to have simulated sex in them.  I don't need to see nudity unless the game calls for it.  To want nudity just for the thrill factor seems amazingly short-sighted and pitiful.

I suppose there are people out there who masturbate to video games or pictures from them.  That, of course, is probably the geekiest thing one could do.  It seems like taking pleasure from ill-proportioned images that look like no females I know is a recipe for relationship disaster -- either maintaining one or starting one.  At least pornography features real women.  They may not look like a lot of women you know, but they weren't created from code courtesy of a diet of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell.  (Unless, of course, that's what led to the porno star's parents coupling.)

I know females in video games can be erotic.  I've played We Love Katamari.  (That was a joke.)  But you can take things too far.  Wishing for more naked females in video games is doing that.  It is a full-on embrace of the fact that despite your best intentions you will never get laid by a woman of caliber.  It's a fact:  If a woman hears you say that, chances are she's not interested in appearing naked for you.  Female nudity is a gift to all heterosexual men, not a selling point for video games.  Once that letter writer gets that, his life will be instantly better.

FTC disclaimer:  Clicking on the affiliate link and buying the game will get me a commission.  It will not lead to pictures of naked Katamari people.  Would you really want to see that?  Okay, yeah, maybe you would want to see the schoolgirls if, that is, you work for the FTC.

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