Conquered, Yet Defeated

I did it. Finally. I finished the first Skatefest round on The Simpsons Skateboarding yesterday. It was, to say the least, a frustrating exercise in nonsense.

If you read my previous post on this game, you know how I feel about it and the thing it calls a "control scheme." Wonky, at best. Torturous is an even better description. It is one of those games you never expect to be good, but are surprised by how flawed it is.

But I finished that first round. Wound up getting the last Constitution and then finally achieving the goal of a new skateboard. And then I couldn't help but think I have to do that for a bunch of other areas.

And then I promptly took the game out of the PS2 and buried it deep in a stack of other games so it would not taunt me.

I will play it again ... someday. I will finish it, and then I will most likely sell it. This game will not break me, but if the other levels are just as hard I may end up breaking it.

Torture Porn Comes to Video Games

I hate the term "torture porn," but it applies in this case. The game in question is The Simpsons Skateboarding and its only goal in life seems to be to torture its players, but since it's the Simpsons you can't stop playing (that and you take it as a personal challenge).

First a little history.

I did not buy this game. Years ago, when it first came out, my local Fox affiliate had a contest to win a copy. I decided I was going to win it ... and did. I regret it.

I used to skate a lot, but I was no master. I didn't expect this game to even give me something like a reasonable skateboarding experience. I did expect, however, for the controls to be at least responsive and there to be some semblance of balance put into it. None of those things exist.

The controls respond every time except when you need them to, like doing an ollie off a ramp. If you are trying that, it is hit or miss. I remember, also, from my skateboard days that you could actually stop the board if you had to. That's not always the case here. Again, it seems like the more you want to stop the board, the less likely you will be able to do so. And if you want to head in a specific direction? Well, don't bump into anything or you'll be turned the opposite way.

It goes without saying that much of what you have to do is timed.

I hate letting a game defeat me, so I keep trying with it, and I keep getting frustrated enough to want to break the fucking game in eight pieces and bury them in my compost heap.

But I won't. I'll keep trying until I get mad enough to put it down for a while, and once I complete it I will sell it.

I wish I never entered that contest.