Sunday, January 17, 2010

Torture Porn Comes to Video Games

I hate the term "torture porn," but it applies in this case. The game in question is The Simpsons Skateboarding and its only goal in life seems to be to torture its players, but since it's the Simpsons you can't stop playing (that and you take it as a personal challenge).

First a little history.

I did not buy this game. Years ago, when it first came out, my local Fox affiliate had a contest to win a copy. I decided I was going to win it ... and did. I regret it.

I used to skate a lot, but I was no master. I didn't expect this game to even give me something like a reasonable skateboarding experience. I did expect, however, for the controls to be at least responsive and there to be some semblance of balance put into it. None of those things exist.

The controls respond every time except when you need them to, like doing an ollie off a ramp. If you are trying that, it is hit or miss. I remember, also, from my skateboard days that you could actually stop the board if you had to. That's not always the case here. Again, it seems like the more you want to stop the board, the less likely you will be able to do so. And if you want to head in a specific direction? Well, don't bump into anything or you'll be turned the opposite way.

It goes without saying that much of what you have to do is timed.

I hate letting a game defeat me, so I keep trying with it, and I keep getting frustrated enough to want to break the fucking game in eight pieces and bury them in my compost heap.

But I won't. I'll keep trying until I get mad enough to put it down for a while, and once I complete it I will sell it.

I wish I never entered that contest.

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