The Saddest Gamer Ever

I recently read the saddest letter ever in Game Informer, a magazine I used to subscribe to until my sub got all screwed up and I somehow got on its "do not mail list." 

In the letter, some lonely guy (age unknown, but I hope he was under 18) lamented the fact that there weren't more "naked girls" in video games.  I like naked women just as much as the next heterosexual guy.  Any shape and size.  Women are works of art, and while I think a clothed woman can be far more erotic than a naked woman, I will agree that a nude woman is never a bad thing.  Even if she's stabbing you, it's a naked woman stabbing you.  How bad can it be?

The fact that this guy/kid/man/boy wanted more naked girls in video games just seemed very sad to me.  Why would that be anyone's desire?  When it comes to video games, I just want ones that provide a challenge and are fun.  I don't need to have simulated sex in them.  I don't need to see nudity unless the game calls for it.  To want nudity just for the thrill factor seems amazingly short-sighted and pitiful.

I suppose there are people out there who masturbate to video games or pictures from them.  That, of course, is probably the geekiest thing one could do.  It seems like taking pleasure from ill-proportioned images that look like no females I know is a recipe for relationship disaster -- either maintaining one or starting one.  At least pornography features real women.  They may not look like a lot of women you know, but they weren't created from code courtesy of a diet of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell.  (Unless, of course, that's what led to the porno star's parents coupling.)

I know females in video games can be erotic.  I've played We Love Katamari.  (That was a joke.)  But you can take things too far.  Wishing for more naked females in video games is doing that.  It is a full-on embrace of the fact that despite your best intentions you will never get laid by a woman of caliber.  It's a fact:  If a woman hears you say that, chances are she's not interested in appearing naked for you.  Female nudity is a gift to all heterosexual men, not a selling point for video games.  Once that letter writer gets that, his life will be instantly better.



FTC disclaimer:  Clicking on the affiliate link and buying the game will get me a commission.  It will not lead to pictures of naked Katamari people.  Would you really want to see that?  Okay, yeah, maybe you would want to see the schoolgirls if, that is, you work for the FTC.

The Trouble With Chuzzles

If you have played Bejeweled, the creators of which happened to make Chuzzle, as well, you are already familiar with the idea.  Get three fuzzy balls of the same color in a row to pop them.  Sometimes Chuzzles get locked.  Sometimes they are bigger than normal.  Pretty basic.  Pretty easy to learn.  Pretty addictive. 

Just like all the most addictive games, this one can be picked up by anyone.  And since it's on several platforms (I played on my Windows laptop), it's available to just about everyone.

This is not the greatest game to ever be played, but I will admit that yesterday, while in the throes of stomach cramps from some weird bug or another, I played this for two hours without realizing the time had gone by.  I was actually shocked when I realized how late it was, and I blame these furry balls with eyes that resemble a crafts project I used to do at my grandmother's house as a kid.

I know the hardcore gamers are scoffing at this, but the reality is that people like these kinds of games.  Not everyone can just jump into Killzone 3 for a few minutes and feel like they are getting the hang of it.  Casual gamers like something they can play while waiting for the bus or a pap smear.  You can't do that with just any game.

Chuzzle, which sounds kind of obscene, is not a game I will play every day or even every month, but when I have some down time, I will be picking it up.  I just hope I don't lose two hours every time I do it, or that could start to be some sort of total time drain.

The Wii Vibrator Story Buzzes On ...

I originally wrote about this new device called the Mojowijo that will be available soon to turn yourWii Remote into a self-pleasuring device.  (You can read the original post here.)  It's the most popular post on my site, and now other websites are reprinting what I wrote (without permission, mind you, not that I wouldn't give it).  It's been commented on in many places, mostly by ladies saying the Wii Remote doesn't have enough power to actually serve as a de facto vibrator.  Nice to know they tried.

Some people are, of course, outraged by this.  It seems ridiculous, but one thing I read was that how dare anyone make something like this when the Wii is designed for kids.  These people have never really looked into the Wii or who plays it, and for the record, the Mojowijo is not being marketed to kids.  So what is the problem?

I would think most people don't care about this issue one way or another.  Geeky Wii playing couples may love the idea, and prudes trapped in 1950 may be appalled, but the general public probably doesn't even know it exists, and when they find out they don't care.  You can buy it or not.  It won't be included in a Wii Bundle, and it won't magically show up at your house and attach itself to your Wii Remote.  And that is why most people don't care.  If Fox were to ever do a story on this, that could all change, as its audience would probably be up in arms about it due to whatever spin would be put on the story. 

Let's face it, while it's a fascinating idea, the ladies who say it doesn't have enough power to actually work are right.  I've held vibrators and the Wii Remote (not at the same time), and they don't compare.  I used to have to sell vibrators, and the thing that mattered to women after looks was the power.  It had to be just right.  Too little and the job doesn't get done.  Too much and it's ... too much.  This device will still sell, though, and my post will probably be reprinted in several more places. 

I can't say I'm done writing about it because there may be a new development in the story, but until then, I think I'm done.  It was a fun piece to do, but the world of video games has far more important stories ... such as the upcoming PS3 Move Proctology Device.